Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Time seriously flies even when you're NOT having fun. It's been six years since I lost my father to liver cancer. It's very ironic that I get emotional when I'm normally not the type to be emotional. Remember, I'm not the one to cry. His death has been a very touchy and sensitive subject for me. Even if six years have passed. You would honestly think that time would heal the pain. It's more like the opposite for me. His last moments here on earth come to mind during his anniversary. Every year around this time I relive his last day. Especially, that significant moment that I missed. I think to myself over and over again to that last hour. I still ask myself - Of all days, why did I not charge my cell phone? Why did my cell phone have to die on me.....of all the days?! I could have received that phone call from my uncle who was calling from the hospital in time to see my dad during his last breath. I could have received that same phone call that everyone else did to drive back to the hospital. I could have been driving with someone that had a freakin' operable cell phone on hand. I simply could have stayed at the hospital a bit longer instead of leaving to pick some stuff from my apartment and dropping Eli and mi madre at her condo. Anyway, I would have never thought to ever depict my dad's last day of being alive like this. An hour probably have passed. I'm at home by myself taking my sweet time gathering things before I head back to the hospital. My house phone rings and so I answer. It was my uncle (dad's younger brother) on the other line. Apparently, he's been having trouble getting a hold of me. Duh me. I apologized and giggled while explaining to him that my stupid cell phone died. For some reason, he paid no attention to what I was saying as if he was in hesitation. Like he wanted to tell me something but telling me through the phone was not an option. I recalled the serious tone he had and knew that something was wrong. He told me to come to the hospital right away. He said that my dad is waiting for me. What do you mean waiting for me?? He kept on repeating over and over again. "You're dad is waiting for you. Come here now." I still didn't get what he was trying to say and got frustrated. I was like, please just tell me what's going on! Finally, he said the two words that I was never prepared to hear: "He's gone". Right then and there, my heart dropped and immediately tears were dripping down from my face. I felt so numb and dropped to my knees. I don't even remember if I hung up the phone. I was in absolute disbelief. My dad was gone. It's a weird feeling especially since I was not by his side. It was like all the memories I shared with him flashed before my eyes. I felt so many different emotions. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt helpless. I felt guilt. I never really got to say my good-bye to him. I felt so awful. I hated myself for not being able to be by his side. All of his daughters were with him except for me. People say that those who are in heaven are able to go into peoples dreams. It's their way of communicating to us people alive. I do believe that's true. Every year during every important holiday, I pray and hope to see my dad in my dreams. Six years later - still nothing. I'm not upset though. Maybe he will come to me when I'm fully healed. So until then, just as Jack Johnson would say, I will always be Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.... Miss you Dad!