She Loves Me...She Really Loves Me...

...I think. Just so you know, I have a terrible case of middle child syndrome. No one ever pays much attention to me nor wants anything to do with me. My own mother, especially. Whatever. Nonetheless, this week has been good to me. As my gift of giving and being so nice to my mom said she loved me. Now that means ALOT! I don't care if she says it sarcastically or jokingly. She said it damnit and quite honestly, that's all that counts. It all started on Saturday when I offered to pay for her stuff at Costco. She was very thankful. I then said to her, "See, I'm a good daughter, right?" "Yeah, sometimes..", she says. I then asked her under my breath, "Do you love me now, mom?" I'm not sure if she heard me or was purposely ignoring me because there was no response. Oh well. I just have to take what I can get right now. After I drove my mom to her favorite store in the whole wide world, TJ Maxx, I was a tad bit disappointed when she said "I love you, Ry..I mean, share-bare!". Oh my freakin' gosh! WTF! Everyone (Renee, Ryree, Eli, and I) in the car caught her slippin' and started laughing. Not laughing with me. It was more laughing at me! How rude! Do you see what I go through now??!! Don't you feel sorry for me? She can't even get my name straight. So, about an hour ago, the family and I concluded our Presidents Day shopping. I dropped off Ryree and Madre at the Haystack. Just as they were getting into their house, I remembered something, rolled down the window and yelled out: "Hey Mom! You still owe me $60!!" She looks at me, smiles, and says "I love you share-bare!" then slams her front door shut. Ummm....so wrong. As if! What now? What happened to love not costing a thing? Apparently now, for me at least, an 'I Love You' is currently priced at $60.00. Take it or leave it! She's so mean, right? No wonder I'm so f**ked up in the head. Ugh!!

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Time seriously flies even when you're NOT having fun. It's been six years since I lost my father to liver cancer. It's very ironic that I get emotional when I'm normally not the type to be emotional. Remember, I'm not the one to cry. His death has been a very touchy and sensitive subject for me. Even if six years have passed. You would honestly think that time would heal the pain. It's more like the opposite for me. His last moments here on earth come to mind during his anniversary. Every year around this time I relive his last day. Especially, that significant moment that I missed. I think to myself over and over again to that last hour. I still ask myself - Of all days, why did I not charge my cell phone? Why did my cell phone have to die on me.....of all the days?! I could have received that phone call from my uncle who was calling from the hospital in time to see my dad during his last breath. I could have received that same phone call that everyone else did to drive back to the hospital. I could have been driving with someone that had a freakin' operable cell phone on hand. I simply could have stayed at the hospital a bit longer instead of leaving to pick some stuff from my apartment and dropping Eli and mi madre at her condo. Anyway, I would have never thought to ever depict my dad's last day of being alive like this. An hour probably have passed. I'm at home by myself taking my sweet time gathering things before I head back to the hospital. My house phone rings and so I answer. It was my uncle (dad's younger brother) on the other line. Apparently, he's been having trouble getting a hold of me. Duh me. I apologized and giggled while explaining to him that my stupid cell phone died. For some reason, he paid no attention to what I was saying as if he was in hesitation. Like he wanted to tell me something but telling me through the phone was not an option. I recalled the serious tone he had and knew that something was wrong. He told me to come to the hospital right away. He said that my dad is waiting for me. What do you mean waiting for me?? He kept on repeating over and over again. "You're dad is waiting for you. Come here now." I still didn't get what he was trying to say and got frustrated. I was like, please just tell me what's going on! Finally, he said the two words that I was never prepared to hear: "He's gone". Right then and there, my heart dropped and immediately tears were dripping down from my face. I felt so numb and dropped to my knees. I don't even remember if I hung up the phone. I was in absolute disbelief. My dad was gone. It's a weird feeling especially since I was not by his side. It was like all the memories I shared with him flashed before my eyes. I felt so many different emotions. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt helpless. I felt guilt. I never really got to say my good-bye to him. I felt so awful. I hated myself for not being able to be by his side. All of his daughters were with him except for me. People say that those who are in heaven are able to go into peoples dreams. It's their way of communicating to us people alive. I do believe that's true. Every year during every important holiday, I pray and hope to see my dad in my dreams. Six years later - still nothing. I'm not upset though. Maybe he will come to me when I'm fully healed. So until then, just as Jack Johnson would say, I will always be Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.... Miss you Dad!

Tiny Bubbles

Woke up at 7:36 a.m. I didn't have time to shower because I didn't want Eli to be late for school. I have bed head. I have no contacts so I ended up wearing my J-Lo eye glasses. I don't like wearing eye glasses because my ears aren't symmetrical. Therefore, my eye glasses look crooked on me. As I was pouring Santa Cruz Roasting Company's Heart of Darkness blend coffee into my gigantic mug, I began to wonder...

Why does my coffee have foam bubbles on the top? Did I not wash my mug thoroughly? Should I empty and waste a cupful of coffee and refill my mug? Hmm

Nah - I'm just going to take the chance because Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I should be thankful for what I have. Some people in this world have it to deal far worse than sipping a cup of soap infused coffee.